Office Training Video: Lab Escapes
by Red Witch
Summary: Ray and Krieger watch an old office training tape. They'd better hope the police never see it. Or any animal rights activists.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been sent off for training. Just some madness I came up with while watching random videos online.**

 **Office Training Video: Lab Escapes **

"Hey Krieger," Ray said as he carried some papers into the lab. "Ms. Archer says that you have to fill out some forms for some reason for the CIA."

"Yeah I'll get right on it," Krieger waved as he sat in his chair. He was looking at a video equipment setup and had popcorn and alcohol on a table nearby.

"What are you doing?" Ray asked as he put the papers on the table.

"Oh I was just going through my files and I came across all these old training videos we did back when our agency's name wasn't the same as group of terrorists," Krieger told him.

"Sometimes I'm not so sure there is that much of a distinction with all the damage we do," Ray grumbled.

"Pull up a chair and watch!" Krieger said. "I've got popcorn."

"Why not?" Ray sighed as he sat down. "Beats hanging around Archer for a few hours."

"I just finished watching the one where Lana murdered that guy pretending to be a ninja and the other one where Pam had a breakdown after her puppet insulted her," Krieger explained. "Wow I forgot how much fun these videos were when we did them."

" **You** **guys** did them," Ray corrected. "I never did one!"

"Oh right," Krieger remembered. "Ooh! Here's one of my favorites!"

"This should be good," Ray remarked as he grabbed some popcorn.

On screen was the title voiced over by Krieger. _"What do I do when something escapes the lab?"_

"This is one of the few that didn't make the cut," Krieger explained.

"I gathered that…" Ray groaned knowing full well what was to come.

A black and white shot of Krieger standing in his lab was shown. _"Usually what goes on in the lab stays in the lab. But every now and then we have what I like to call a little whoopsie."_

" _Ooo! Krieger-San!"_ Krieger's VGF appeared. _"My cherry blossoms are wilting again…"_

" _I said whoopsie! Not whoopie!"_ Krieger hissed.

" _Sorry…"_ The pink haired hologram looked disappointed.

" _Oh why are you pouting now?"_ Krieger asked.

" _You no love me anymore,"_ The hologram sniffed.

" _Of course I love you! I'm just working now!"_ Krieger snapped.

" _You are always working now!"_ The hologram snapped.

" _We will talk about this later!"_ Krieger hissed.

" _Always later!"_ The hologram glared back.

" _Just go!"_ Krieger pointed off camera.

" _Oh I go all right!"_ The hologram disappeared. _"I go far away…"_

" _Uh sorry about that,"_ Krieger coughed. _"As I was saying, sometimes I get a little carried away with my experiments."_

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"_ Someone was heard screaming.

The camera cut to an image of a lab intern being attacked and dragged off by a giant glowing komodo dragon.

" _And sometimes my experiments carry other people away,"_ Krieger was heard saying.

" _HELP ME! HELP ME!"_ The intern screamed as the komodo dragon attacked him.

" _As you can see by Sean's example, screaming and flailing around does_ _ **not**_ _help_ ," Krieger was overheard.

CRUNCH!

"Jesus!" Ray nearly choked on his popcorn as the image of the creature killing Sean was shown onscreen.

"That's kind of the reason it didn't make the cut," Krieger admitted.

"I got that!" Ray groaned.

" _The best thing to do is to stay calm and call for an extraction team,"_ Krieger said on screen. _"Or if you have a tranquilizer gun…"_

Krieger looked around. _"Which I have seemed to have misplaced. Honey? Have you seen my tranquilizer gun?"_

" _Oh_ _ **now**_ _you want me!"_ The hologram said sarcastically off camera. _"You such a big shot! You find it yourself!"_

" _Don't start with me!"_ Krieger warned.

" _The problem is that you never start_ _ **anything**_ _with me anymore!"_ The hologram shouted off camera.

" _Mitsuko I swear to God…"_ Krieger fumed.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"_ Another scream was heard off camera. _"OH GOD! IT ATE MY LEG! AAAAHHH!"_

" _Don't make promises you never keep!"_ The hologram said off camera. _"Oh wait you do!"_

" _One of these days…"_ Krieger snapped as he made a fist. _"POW! Right in the processors!"_

Then Krieger remembered. _"Oh wait I left it by the processors…"_

He went off camera for a second then came back with the tranquilizer gun. Then randomly shot off screen. Something collapsed with a thud.

" _Our next video will teach us how to dispose of a corpse without anyone knowing about it,"_ Krieger said cheerfully.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"_ A scream was heard off camera.

" _Make that multiple corpses,"_ Krieger winced. _"I forgot I made two of them."_

"Now that I think about it, this was definitely not one of the better training videos," Krieger remarked. "Good thing nobody else saw it."

"It's a good thing the police and animal control didn't see it," Ray groaned.


End file.
